Call Me Kenichi
by Rocku
Summary: What! Tima can only speak French! Duke Red is a rare form of cockatoo! Yeah, that's right. Just a little form of fun with the movie. Oh, I smell a law suite coming...chapter 10 up!
1. Introduction: Meet the tortured souls

  
  
Disclaimer: (insert disclaimer here)  
  
Notes: Well, this isn't my first fic, just the first one I've posted. ^_^ The idea for this story plot came one day when my friends and I were dubbing the movie of Metropolis. Okay, it's this weird thing we do every now and then where we mute the movie and record it with us dubbing in the voices of the characters. Chaos ensues. Actually, it's rather fun. Try it sometime with your favorite anime. ^_^ I'll take this time to mention that this fan fiction is supposed to be HUMOROUS. That means many of these characters are going to be completely out of their original personality and will do many, MANY, stupid things. If you are tempted to send flames, go right ahead, but be aware they will have NO effect. This was written for the people who would like to see their favorite characters of Metropolis in very kinky and ridiculous situations, which I guarantee you, they will get. With that said, let's get on with it.  
  
Flames will be used to roast the Epumus.  
  
Epumu: ........(sweat drop)  
  
  
Characters:  
  
Kenichi: A very sensitive bishonen who is constantly being sexually harassed by Astro Boy...(don't ask)  
  
Tima: An android replica after Duke Red's dead daughter who can only speak French.  
  
Rock: A young man who is having a lot of trouble with his sexual identity. He is on a mission to win the love of Kenichi and is jealous of Tima. He also has an obsession with singing. ^_^  
  
Duke Red: A rare breed of cockatoo known to breed in sewers with there ghastly mating call. They are also known to be a menace to mankind and will easily devourer small children and pets. Usually travel in flocks. Sometimes swoops from its perch to attack and kill its prey. Know to carry very dangerous cases of rabies. This particular Duke Red has rabies, ADHD, and an obsession with very shiny objects. USE CAUTION WHILE APPROACHING. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.  
  
Shunsaku Ban: Just being himself  
  
Pero: A hooker, punk, beeeoooch, with a horrible attitude.  
  
Atlas: An anti war rebellious young man, who tends to sometimes over do it with alcohol. Oh yeah, he's also very cannibalistic.  
  
Dr. Laughton: Has a rare type of cancer in his ass that causes him to disintegrate at random times.  
  
President Boon: Trying to hide the fact that he has two husbands......or wives....hell it's all good.....  
  
Skunk: Boon's first husband...or wife....whichever way you wanna look at the situation...^_^ Does not know about Lamp...  
  
Lamp: Boon's second husband/wife... Does not know about Skunk...  
  
Ham Eggs: Constantly thinks people are having an affair with his wife.  
  
  
Well, now that we've gotten to know some of the characters, lets get on with the story! ^_^


	2. Prelude: It begins

  


  
  
  
Prelude  
  


  
Metropolis is a grand city...NOW CALL ME KENICHI!!!....Um...I mean.....sorry about that....got carried away....*ahem*...where was I?....Oh, yeah!  
Kenichi is a grand Kenichi...dammit! Did it again! Okay...here we go....  
Kenichi is a grand Kenichi......ahhhh...screw it...just cut to the scene...  
  


(cheesy music playing)  


  
We open up to find Duke Red atop a giant Ziggurat (actually he only appears like he's on it thanks to the wonderful world of computer graphics, but just play along...*nudge, nudge*...) looking out to his beloved audience.  
  
Duke Red: Yo, yo, yo, wassup yo? Holla if ya hear!!!  
  
Audience: (cricket chirp)  
  
Duke Red: Ah, yes......anyway....now that it has reached the year 1906...  
  
Rock: Um...dad...?  
  
Duke Red: Ooohhh, what is it now?.....  
  
Rock: Um...it's the year 2061...  
  
Duke Red: Oh, okay....*ahem* Now that it has reached the year 1906...  
  
Rock: (sweat drops)  
  
Duke Red: ....we have entered into a new era. Everyone, welcome the completion of...Our Ziggurat!!!  
  
Audience: (cheers)  
  
Rock: Oh.....here we go.....  
  



	3. Yo' mama

  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except Duke Red *spanks Duke Red* *Stagsleap joins in* Okay, enough of that...  
  
Authors notes: I would like to dedicate this fanfic to all of my friends at the high school. Whom, without their stupidity and moronic behavior, this story would have never been born. I love you all! *huggle* R/R please! ^_^  
  
  


**Call Me Kenichi**  


  
  
(scene one)  
  
(Many important people and city folk are gathered in a large ball room arena waiting for Duke Red and President Boon, along with the other politicians to arrive)  
  
Random Man #1: This Ziggurat is the biggest thing to ever happen to Metropolis. I'm sure Duke Red will sit at the throne!  
  
Random man #2: Oh, I agree, I agree...  
  
Random Drunk guy: Ya'll don't know meeee!!!!  
  
Random man #3: Oh God, there goes Ted again...quick, someone get me my tranquilizer...  
  
  
(Duke Red along with President Boon, Minister Skunk, and Mayor Ryon are riding down a mechanical flight of stairs to the arena)  
  
Duke Red: ......Psst....Hey Boon................hey....psssst.......  
  
Boon: What?!  
  
Duke Red: Is my hair okay?  
  
Boon: *Rolls eyes* Yes, it's fine...  
  
  
(The Duke along with the many other politicians stand on a platform looking out at the giant audience that are eager to ask questions to the superior men)  
  
Duke Red: Yo, yo, yo...Wassssup yo, in these here parts! *Starts making bird noises*  
  
(Note: This is the closest known pronunciation and spelling to what Duke Red is about to say)  
  
Duke Red: Nice of you to come see me tonight @$%%gjh%&j668tthh56&  
FH%^&*%jytyj^*(6jgjT^*8585JYJu*9898)i&%97&(7i and this guy here *points to president Boon* ght&^%*jty&*^&(kuy&*%^*867 yeah, we'll #666778 and of course $^7&^&$^htu7*(56utj6*568568 and yo' mama.  
  
Skunk: Wow...he is so drunk...*Looks over to Duke Red who is pecking at the ground looking for grain*  
  
(All of the reporters and journalists in the audience start asking many questions at once)  
  
Boon: No, no, quite please.....I'm sure I can handle this....*ahem* yo' mama.  
  
Random reporter: Please, sir. Can you tell us, is yo' mama here with you?  
  
Mayor: Does anyone know what the hell is going on...?  
  
Everyone: Who knows....  
  
Duke Red: But I do know one thing! I bought this outfit I'm wearing from yo' mama! *points to president Boon*  
  
President Boon: *punches the Duke in the face*  
  
  
(The whole crowd of people start cheering for the Ziggurat. Out of the crowd, a little boy with green hair and the Monopoly man...*ahem* excuse me...his uncle, had come for the celebration)  
  
Kenichi: Uncle Shunsaku?  
  
Shunsaku: Eh...? What do ya want now...?  
  
Kenichi: What's a Zigga... Zicca... Ziggura.....ahhh....to hell with it.... *Takes out cigarette*  
  
(All of a sudden, a light shines on a large building in the shape of a....of a.....)  
  
Kenichi: A goat?  
  
(Thank you, young man)  
  
Rock: It's a Marduk symbol!!!  
  
Kenichi: Whoa....wer'd that come from?...  
  
(A young man begins to chase a robot on top of a building, then down into the arena. He begins to shoot at the robot until the mechanical man falls to the ground. The crowd begins to scatter and scream)  
  
Robot: Oh great, there goes my foot....Yo people. A little medical help in these here parts?....  
  
(The young boy looks down at the robot, a look of triumph on his face)  
  
Duke Red: Rock! Go to your room!  
  
Rock: *Starts to tear up* I hate you! I hate you! *Runs of crying*  
  
Kenichi: Wuss....*continues smoking*  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Well, that's all for now ya little buggers! *Shakes fist* Now, there's only one thing left to do...*Spanks Duke Red* R/R please! Thankies! ^^


	4. Get the hell outa my house!

  
  
  
Author's Notes: Hot Damn! Look at how far we've gotten!!!...........Well okay, it's not that far...BUT IT WILL BE! I've been somewhat busy these days because cross country season has just started, but I'll try to get out a chapter every week or so... (They're so damn short anyway..._) Now, on to chapter four!!! R/R please! ^^  
  
  
Disclaimer: I own all of your souls.  
  
  
  
  


**Call Me Kenichi**  
  
  


  
Scene 2  
  
  
(Doctor Laughton is sitting at Duke Red's desk drooling over pictures of Tima... that pervert.......*shakes fist*)  
  
Duke Red: (Walks into office and looks around until he spots Laughton)  
  
Dr. Laughton: (In shadows) What the hell are ya'll doin' in my house, young'un?!  
  
Duke Red: What?! Your House?!  
  
Dr. Laughton: Get the hell out!!!  
  
(Notes: Okay, I guess from now on Dr. L will have a southern accent...-_-()... carry on....)  
  
Duke Red: Listen, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! Stop trying to kill me and take my place!  
  
Dr. Laughton: Um....yeah well........uh....Yo' mama's so fat, when she puts on a yellow dress....  
  
Duke Red: Wait a minute....hold up....Did you just insult my moma?  
  
Dr. Laughton: ........................................No.......*shifty eyes*  
  
Due Red: .....because I could have sworn......  
  
Dr. Laughton: TAKE THIS YOU EVIL VULTURE OF THE NIGHT!!!! (picks up chair and throws it at Duke Red)  
  
Duke Red: (dodges chair)..........you called my moma fat or something......  
  
Dr. Laughton: *sigh*  
  
Duke Red: Oh! I know! maybe I'm just hearing things!  
  
Dr. Laughton: (Taps foot impatiently)  
  
Duke Red: Or, there could be a completely logical explanation for this.......  
  
Dr. Laughton: WHY WON'T YOU DIE???!!!!! (Throws a flaming trash can at the Duke's face)  
  
Duke Red: (Ducks can).....like you could be drunk or something.....  
  
Dr. Laughton: FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!  
  
Duke Red: Are you drunk Dr. Laughton?  
  
Dr. Laughton: YES! YES! I'M DRUNK, OKAY?! IF IT WILL MAKE YOU SHUT UP, THEN I'M DRUNK!!!  
  
Duke Red: Figures........  
  
Dr. Laughton: Well, a glass or two a day is always.... Hey, shut up!!! Ya'll don't know me!!!  
  
Duke Red: Oh, come on! (Starts to walk over to his desk)  
  
Duke Red: I mean, seriously, I've already told you alcohol gets your head all funny, I mean, look at how I turned out!  
  
Dr. Laughton: (looks at Duke).............*shudder*  
  
Duke Red: Nuff said....  
  
Dr. Laughton: Great, great, now shut up and get the hell outa my house!!!  
  
Duke Red: You shut up! This is my house anyway!  
  
Dr. Laughton: I don't see your name written on it!  
  
Duke Red: It's all over the walls....didn't you see it?.....(span out to all of the walls covered with giant letters reading Duke Red's House written in blood)  
  
Dr. Laughton:.............oh.......  
  
Rock: .......................  
  
Duke Red: Whoa......wher'd you come from?......  
  
Rock: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^  
  
Duke Red: (Groans and takes some aspirin) All right Laughton, you're dismissed....  
  
Dr. Laughton: (Walks out of room mumbling about keeping things off his property.....takes one look at Rock...) AHHH!!!!!! IT'S A DEMON!!!!!!  
  
Rock: What?! Oh, that does it! (Gives Dr. Laughton a very feminine slap on the face)  
  
Dr. Laughton:.............................*disinergrates*  
  
Rock: I showed him!  
  
Duke Red: What do you want, Rock?......  
  
Rock: Something's happened mom.....  
  
Duke Red: WHAT?!  
  
Rock: I know! It was like, soooooo awful!!!  
  
Duke Red: No, no, I mean what did you call me?!  
  
Rock: ...................Mom.....  
  
Duke Red: Listen here, boy! I ain't no stinkin' woman! And further more....(The Duke Begins to loose control again) ^^%^UJR%^*%&*^U&I^J^&J^&*I^&*(&(^&(797^&  
&^J&^((*^)^)^I^RI^&I^ to think that I'd ever #$^%^UJI^&TY^*I^E&I&%^I%&*I^*O^*JYJT  
H%^UI^&*K^&&*(O&* and another thing NGNJ&I&**^)*(*($#$*&*)&*TU^*O)&(OJ^&I^7  
GH^&I*I* (starts making bird noises) GHJTYJ^&&(*O^M%&I^^*KRM^*IO*I&J bass kicking GFTY^*&(O^*(*O*(&^I&&NU^&*I^*JYJ%&(^&^&I& Barbra Streisand FGTYI&(7  
HYU^&I&**OJUR^JNR^I%&%IJJ EGGS!!!!!!  
  
Rock:...............................................Understood.  
  
Duke Red: And for God's sake, put some cloths on! (Span out to see Rock only wearing a shopping bag)  
  
Rock: What? You don't like my bag...?  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: *Looks out to see most of her readers heads blown up*.........I know.... I feel your pain..... Well, another chapter completed! Let's play a game, shall we? Anybody who can figure out what Duke Red is saying half the time will win a prize!!! R/R please!!! Bye guys! ^_^  
  



	5. Pero the chain smoking biotch

  
  
Author's Notes: You guys wanted another chapter, and by God, you're gonna get another chapter!!!........Or, something that's close enough to one..._() Well, enjoy chapter five of Call Me Kenichi. And remember, if you act now, you'll receive a pair of Duke Red's slippers for free!  
  
Duke Red: .....the hell?! Those are my slippers!!!  
  
Me: *Shifty eyes* Gotta go! *Jumps out window.*  
  
Duke Red: *Takes shot gun off of wall.* The chase begins...  
  
All right, enough of this moronic crap...just read the story...^ ^()  
  
  
Disclaimer: (Spanks Duke Red)  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Call Me Kenichi  
  
  
  
  
**

  
Shunsaku Ban: Hello, my name is Shunsaku Ban. I'm a private detective from China...  
  
Kenichi: Japan.  
  
SB: Yeah, yeah, same thing.  
  
Kenichi: *Rolls eyes*  
  
SB: Any who, I have a letter here giving me permission to speak with Superintendent Notarlin.  
  
  
scene 4  
  
Notarlin: *Fumbling around at his desk looking at papers and stamping them. He picks one up and begins to read it.*  
  
Notarlin: What the hell?! Get this Outta my way! *He throws it in the trash. Paper is donation for orphanage.*  
  
SB: *Shifts uncomfortably.* Ahem. Hello Superintendent. My name is Shunsaku Ban. I'm a private detective from China...  
  
Kenichi: We're from Japan, uncle!  
  
SB: All right, that does it! Go sit in the corner! GO!!! *Mr. Ban points to the corner of the room.*  
  
Kenichi: *Trudges miserably over to it and sits there.*  
  
SB: As I was saying... I'm investigating a case here in Metropolis, an illegal organ smuggler. Now, I've never been to Metropolis and frankly I can't tell which way is which half the...  
  
Kenichi: AHHHHH!!!!!  
  
SB: Kenichi, if you don't stop being a pansy, you're waiting outside.....!!!!  
  
Kenichi: Look behind you, uncle!!!  
  
(SB turns around slowly to find a giant fish swimming behind Superintendents desk.)  
  
SB: Holy crap! What the hell is that?!  
  
Notarlin: *Sneaky smile* So, I see you've noticed my wife!  
  
(SB and Kenichi stare at him dumbfounded for about a minute)  
  
SB: All right!! That does it! Why is it that everywhere I go I end up running into someone who's wife is a giant, mutant fish?! *Begins to drag Kenichi out of the office.*  
  


  
(Missing scene. Cut to Robot Junction.)  
  
  


SB: .....The hell....?  
  
Kenichi: Wow! Those were the most exciting six months of my life!  
  
SB: .....What in the.....?  
  
Kenichi: Oh, you were too drunk to remember.....But it was soooo cool!!! I became president for 2 1/2 days, and then China got taken over by killer penguins in mobile suites!!!  
  
SB:........  
  
Kenichi: *sighs* Good times...too bad you were in rehab. Anyway, what are we waiting for? Let's go get that robot!  
  
SB: What robot...?  
  
Kenichi: Ah, to hell with it...*Takes out another cigarette*  
  
SB: Where do you keep getting those....?  
  
  
( They both go outside and pick a random robot out of a dumpster and put his head back on with masking tape.)  
  
Robot: Hello. My name is Pureconopolukzaregelentinavinotufas#%ghrf&577Gh^&^gghhyukufostinukliva578n....(3 years later) the seventeenth.  
  
SB:.................................I'm gonna call you Pero!  
  
Pero: Yo' mama.  
  
Kenichi: C'mon you guys! We have to find that criminal!  
  
Pero: *Bitch slaps him* Shut up ya little biiiooootch.  
  
Kenichi: *Burns him with cigarette*  
  
  
Scene 5  
  
  
( Pero, SB, and Kenichi are standing in the middle of Metropolis talking about where the criminal may be.)  
  
Pero: If your criminal wanted to hide, he wouldn't come here. He'd go to Zone 1.  
  
SB: Huh....? Zone 1?  
  
Pero: It's underground.  
  
SB: Ah, you are a detective.  
  
Pero: Yo' mama gives lousy head.  
  
Kenichi: Hey, look at that! *Points to robot being killed*  
  
(Mardulks start shooting at the robot who falls from his spot on top of a building.....*cough* strip joint *cough* The Mardulks start to leave once the think the robot is dead.)  
  
Robot: *Peeks eye open* Suckers! *Runs into alley*  
  
Kenichi: *Blink Blink*  
  
SB: Kenichi! What are you doing? Hurry up!  
  
Kenichi: Coming!  
  
(Kenichi, SB, and yo' mama...*ahem* excuse me...Pero, entered Zone 1)  
  
Pero: There are many places with much crime in Zone 1. Places where us police have little authority.  
  
SB: Like down there...? *Points down a dark staircase into an alley*  
  
Pero: Yo' mama's a biotch in bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Um.....many apologies to all of you Pero fans....I just couldn't resist. ^_^ Now, Remember! Review NOW and you'll receive a pair of Duke Red's slippers absolutely free!  
  
(Duke Red chops down the door with a big ass ax.)  
  
Duke Red: Heeeeeeeere's DUKIE!!!!  
  
(Psycho music starts playing.)  
  
Oh, boy....that couldn't have been good..........(Starts running away from an ax wielding Duke Red.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  


  



	6. Leg humping and Richard Simmons

  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: (Looks back) Heh, heh..... sorry bout the delay, I guess I was really busy...  
  
Duke Red: You sat around on your ass all day!  
  
Author: Like I said...I was really busy.... Oh, by the way, here are your slippers, good as new.  
  
Duke Red: ....This one has a bite taken out of it!  
  
Author: *Shifty eyes*  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Discla-what now.....?  
  
  
  
  
  


**Call Me Kenichi**  
  
  
  
  


Scene 6  
  
  
(Duke Red and his two body guards are walking down a very silent and dark alley in Zone 1.)  
  
Duke Red: ..............Ka kaw........  
  
Body guards 1 and 2: ......(stare at him blankly)  
  
Duke Red: ....*Shifty eyes* Wasn't me......  
  
(They continue walking down the cold and creepy alley way to Dr. Laughtons.)  
  
Guard #2: (Starts humming pink panther theme) Doo do, doo do, do do do do.....  
  
(They finally reach Dr. Laughton's Lab, open the door, only to find Dr. Laughton himself standing right in front of it)  
  
All three: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Dr. Laughton: What? What?! (Starts freaking out)  
  
Duke Red: Oh, never mind. It's just you. Sorry, but you looked kinda like a flesh crazed chimpanzee for a moment there...  
  
Dr. Laughton: Yeah, I get that a lot......(Scratches head, picks out bug, eats it)  
  
(Duke Red and Dr. Laughton walk into the laboratory, which turns out to be a giant dump....... No, I mean literally, this place was a giant dump. I'm not using that phrase to be creative or anything, the man was living in fifth, got it? I mean like, dumpster in back of my school cafeteria filth. There was like, shit an' stuff everywhere. Old T.V dinner trays, used kleenexes, diapers, President Boon's pants, ya know, all the nasty stuff. I'm not exaggerating or anything either, I mean, this guy lived in a genuine .....)  
  
Duke Red: Well, what do you expect? I mean, look at him! (Points to Dr. Laughton, on the floor, blowing his nose with his pants.)  
  
Everyone in the room: ...........*shudder*  
  
Dr. Laughton: ......What?  
  
(Surprise, surprise......)  
  
(Dr. Laughton then proceeds to show Duke Red the android replica of his dead daughter, Tima)  
  
Dr. Laughton: ....This is the replica of Tima.....  
  
Duke Red: ...Uh huh.... very nice.....  
  
Dr. Laughton: .....And this is the proto-type Richard Simmons you wanted. (Points to another tank with a robotic Richard Simmons in it)  
  
Duke Red: Ah, excellent! Soon my plan will take shape!!!  
  
Dr. Laughton: And what plan is this.....?  
  
Duke Red: .....Oh, yes well, you see.....*Runs away*  
  
Dr. Laughton: Damnit! That's the third time this week! Oh well, might as well finish Tima...(Tries to make his way over to the controlling booth without stepping on something that's still alive in the mess of shit that he calls a home)  
  
(In the mean time, while this was all happening, Rock found a nice spot to look in at the two and see what was.......um.....okay, cross all that, he's checking his complexion in the mirror...)  
  
Rock: (Talking to his reflection in a pocket sized compact) Who's a sexy beast? Who's a sexy beast...?  
  
Dr. Laughton: (Still fumbling around with the controls) Hmmmm..... now if I put this here.....and take that out.......stick it into that thingy......Oh, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.......Hm, maybe this will do something........(Sticks thumb in mouth) Yo' mama's so fat.......!!!!!!  
  
(The machine finally starts to work, but at the same time, Rock is walking in)  
  
Dr. Laughton: (Looks down at Rock).....What the hell....? Why won't anyone leave me alone in my house???!!!  
  
Rock: ....Because you live in a dump, you jackass........  
  
Dr. Laughton: I live in a what now.....?  
  
Rock: Open your eyes and look at the big picture, you're just a slave to my mother!  
  
Dr. Laughton: .....Your mother......?  
  
Rock: ......Duke Red..........  
  
Dr. Laughton: Ah, okay.....well, um..... Yo' mama's so fat, when she puts on a yellow dress......  
  
Rock: Oh, for the love of......will you give it a rest?! Those yo' mama' jokes are getting on my nerves!!!   
  
Dr. Laughton: .......................Yo'mama'ssofatherbeltsizeisthatofthe.......  
  
Rock: ....Oh, forget it! (Takes out gun and starts shooting at the tank that holds robotic Tima)  
  
Dr. Laughton: What the hell are you doing?!  
  
Rock: Oh, ooops....sorry.......(Shoots Dr. Laughton)  
  
Dr. Laughton: ......Ack....NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (Starts to disintegrate)  
  
(Rock proceeds to destroy the robotic Tima..... bang bang, boom boom..... you've seen the movie.......)  
  
Note: This next scene was added in at the last minute for Liz M.  
  
(Rock runs away from the burning lab only to find Atlas writing graffiti all over one of the alley walls.)  
  
Atlas: (Graffiti reads I did it 3 times a week for the 11th week slide.)........Heh, heh.......all right.....!  
  
Rock: Atlas!  
  
Atlas: *Shifty eyes* Oh, um.....hi Rock.......  
  
Rock: Oh, Atlas! I missed you so much!!! (Glomps on to Atlas and starts humping his leg)  
  
Atlas: .......Jesus Christ, kid.......save some for later.....  
  
(Atlas tries to push Rock off using his hands, but of course that doesn't work, so he proceeds to pry Rock off using a crow bar......but, Rock is still going at it (He's such a little go-getter, isn't he? ^_^) So, he walks, or should I say, drags himself home with Rock still going strong.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Okay, this chapter was just plain gross......  
  
Duke Red: You're telling me! Ever since you put Boon's pants in Dr. Laughton's house he's been walking around in his boxers all day...  
  
Boon: (Walks in wearing boxers) Where's the beef?!  
  
Author and Duke Red: .......*Shudder*  
  
Well, join us next time, on another exciting chapter of Call Me Kenichi!  
  
Duke Red: .....Um.....shouldn't we do something about that.....? (Points to under the table where Rock is humping Atlas's leg while he is trying to eat dinner and have a normal conversation with the rest of his rebellious buddies.)  
  
Author: Nah..... He'll tire himself out soon......  
  
  
  
Pero: Send us some bloody reviews you little bitches........ 


	7. Bubu's lobster shack

  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Well, considering my mind is a hotbed of mush, chapter seven of Call me Kenichi will be divided into random sections of...well, you know....randomness. Hey, it's not like this thing had a plot to begin with. Okay, now that we have that settled, back to what I was in the process of doing. (Span out to see Skunk and Lamp tied up in chairs with many feminine accessories as part of their attire.)  
  
Author: So, what do you guys think, pink or white polka dots?  
  
Skunk+Lamp: *gulp*  
  
  
  
Thanks: Let me take the opportunity to thank the following people for taking their time and writing me reviews. You guys keep the world spinning! XD  
  
Gemra: Wow! Never have I gotten so many reviews from one person! ^ ^ Thankies so much, Gemra! Keep up the great work on your two Metro fictions, as well. Hmmm....you don't like Dukie very much, do you? Well, I can't disappoint a fan, now can I? Much more Duke bashing in this chapie just for you, as gratatude for all of the lovely reviews you sent me. ^_^ Keep reading the story, and look forward to many more updates!  
  
Jenelle: Yes, Duke Red's uncontrollable crowing is very humorous, no?  
  
Duke Red: Ka Kaaaaw!!!  
  
Author: Oh, hang on, he's hungry again...(Picks up a big ass bag of chicken feed) Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy?! (Throws chicken feed all over the ground)  
  
Duke Red: (Starts munching on feed) Brraaawk.....bra bra braaawwkk....  
  
Dark Ash, formerly Kenichi's Gal: I'm so glade you like this fan fic. Nothing makes me more happy than when I make someone else laugh. Please keep reading, and look forward to many more updates. Thank you for your review! ^_^  
  
Liz M: We have a winner! Yup, Liz was the only one who correctly guessed, or the only one who guessed at all for that matter, what Duke Red was truly saying when he went into those weird spasms of his.  
I am a cockatiel in a red suite   
Congrats, Liz! Your prize is having a section of this chapter dedicated to Rock/Atlas smut!  
  
Duke Red: Ummm....you did that for the last chapter.....  
  
Author: *ahem*  
  
Duke Red: And you were going to dedicate a section of this chapter to her anyway...  
  
Author: Don't you have some weird flocking ritual you need to be doing?  
  
Duke Red:.........*shifty eyes*  
  
Duchess Stagsleap: Duke Red? Spank me?! Well, I finally got my comeuppance, ne? ^_^ Thank you for the lovely review. I'm so glade you found it funny!  
  
Rock: Heeeey, she spanked me!  
  
Duke Red: Oh, shut up! Like you didn't deserve it...  
  
Rock: (Bottom lip quivers)  
  
Author: Look forward to some Duke Red/Skunk fun in this chapter just for you! (part 2) I hope we have a chance to talk some more through IM or through e-mail.  
  
melisa: Thanks for your very friendly review! I'm glade that I had a chance to talk to another Metro fan through e-mail. Keep those reviews comin' and look forward to many more chapters of fun, fun, fun!!!  
  
Skunk: Oh God...fun, fun, fun either means that I have to put on a dress, or kiss one of you guys...  
  
Boon, Red, Lamp: *Slink down in their chairs*  
  
Skunk: Oh, c'mon! I'm a damn good kisser!  
  
Lamp: Actually, he really is.  
  
Boon, Red:...........  
  
Lamp: What?  
  
kehkanSKlover: Is *&%#%&*ian a real language?  
  
Boon: Only in France.  
  
Author: T_T ......Anyway, thanks Ging for the pleasant review! It really brought up my day. We should talk through e-mail sometime. Thankies!  
  
Reaalis: I feel your pain. It's hard to put this moronic crap into words, huh? All in all, thanks for the review! I'm really glade that you like this fan fic. Look forward to many more updates, and keep them reviews comin' baby!  
  
Graphik Dezign: I'm SO, SO, glade you find this funny! Nothing brings up my day more than when I make someone else laugh! So, you're another Duke Red fan, huh? There's a little surprise in this chapter that I'm pretty sure you're going to enjoy...XD  
  
Duke Red: You're not going to make me dance, are you?  
  
Author: Meh....*shrugs* I'll see how I feel.  
  
Edward IV: Yup, A long time survivor of ass cancer. Welp, I'll see you at school tomorrow. Lol....^ ^  
  
evangel-blader: Rock: Huh? That bastard stole my laugh!  
  
Author: Don't talk to my reviewers that way! Well, I must admit I don't want to see you dead, but on the other hand you seem to be enjoying this fanfic! ^_^ Thank you for the lovely review, and look forward to plenty more updates!  
  
ChibiSephiroth: I'm so glade I inspired you to keep going on your own parody! ^_^ Thank you for your lovely review, and rest assured, there will be many more chapters to come, and you know what that means...  
  
Lamp: Skunk will finally start wearing underwear?  
  
Skunk: (Freaks out) Wha, WHAT?!  
  
Author: No, silly! More of Duke Red acting like a bird, more Rock, more of Kenichi being rude, and much, much more Rock!  
  
Lamp: Meh, I was close enough.  
  
Skunk: Why you son-of-a...(Throws lamp at Lamp's head) Hey, what irony! ^ ^  
  
Lamp: I am NOT a living joke!  
  
Skunk: Yes you are.  
  
Lamp: (0_o)  
  
Anthy's worst fear: WOO HOO!!! It's the whole cast! I'm so glade you guys liked it! Heh, heh, fun-noodle....that's a good one. Keep reading the story, and look forward to many more updates! ^_^  
  
Masked Tidus:  
Author: Meh, steal MY notebook will you?! Well, I'll just hide it and....Hey! Where's my notebook?!  
  
Masked Tidus: (Reading notebook) So in chapter nine, Kenichi gets pregnant with Rock's child...  
  
Author: Hey! Give that back!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I put the who in the what now?  
  
**Warnings:** All right, so I guess these shouldn't really be counted as warnings, but what the hell, I just want to be safe. This chapter (mostly part 1) has much more sexuality in it than the other chapters. It has non explicit yaoi (mostly between Atlas/Rock and Skunk/Duke Red) and also has a very....ummmm.... phone conversation. All in all, I'm not changing the rating for this chapter. Though there is much more sexuality in it, it is very good nature and humorous, so it shouldn't offend anyone. Still, if you feel uncomfortable reading about (non explicit) yaoi, I understand entirely, and I don't want anyone to read something they are uncomfortable reading. As always, this chapter, like the others, is only fun. Many characters are bashed (characters that I like too...T_T) in good humored ways. Thanks for your time, and have fun!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Call Me Kenichi**  
  
  
  
Caught Between a Rock and an Atlas.  
For Liz  
  
  
  
Part 1  
  
  
We open up to a messy and disheveled, clustered apartment, where Atlas is sitting on his couch in his underpants, eating peanut butter straight from the jar and watching Oprah on CNN.  
  
Oprah: Now, Cherel, how did you get the strength to get back up on your feet after years of drug use?  
  
Cherel: Well Oprah, I just kept telling myself, Girl, you are woman and woman can do anything!  
  
Audience: (Cheers)  
  
Atlas: You go girl!  
  
Suddenly, one of Atlas' rebellious buddies (The guy with the beanie. Because of lack of names, we will just refer to him as ) Carl, bursts into the room. He looks around Atlas' cluttered and strewn apartment, as if he was looking at the Pope riding a pink mustang (Oh c'mon! You know you've pictured it!).  
  
Carl: ..........Whhoooaaaa........dude......either your shack is gettin' smaller, or I'm expanding man!  
  
Atlas: What did I tell you about knocking?  
  
Carl: Dude, like, duuude, I like sooo totally feel for you man, but I mean like, dude, my hands were like, oh duuude...  
  
Atlas: What are you talking about?!  
  
Carl: My hands were so totally full man...  
  
Atlas: You're not even holding anything!  
  
Carl: (Looks down at his hands which are (surprise, surprise) empty) Whoa! You're right, man! (Continues staring at his hands) Dude, my hands are like, HUGE!  
  
Atlas: Carl...  
  
Carl: I mean, my hands could like, swallow the world, man!  
  
Atlas: Carl!  
  
Carl: Yeah man...?  
  
Atlas: What's with the video camera?  
  
Carl: Oh, you mean this thing...? (Holds up a calculator)  
  
Atlas: No, that's a calculator...  
  
Carl: Oh...  
  
Atlas: The thing next to it...  
  
Carl: *snort* You said man...  
  
Atlas: Carl!  
  
Carl: You mean this...? (holds up video camera)  
  
Atlas: That's the one...  
  
Carl: Well dude, Jebadiah got sent to rehab again...  
  
Atlas: How many times does that make it?  
  
Carl: Oh, at least 15 dude...  
  
Atlas: One more and I get a free prostate exam!  
  
Carl: Whooa...you serious? Anyway, the gang thought it would be a good idea to send him a home video of all of us saying hi.'  
  
Atlas: What a nice gesture.  
  
Carl: Yeah...plus man, it's the seven year anniversary of his first trip to rehab.  
  
Atlas: Well....that's something to be proud of, I guess...  
  
Suddenly, there is another knock on the door and one more of Atlas' friends makes himself at home.  
  
Nooj: Hey man, I ran out of beer, mind if a snag a few of yours? (Goes into Atlas' fridge and starts drinking a beer without even waiting for a response.)  
  
Carl: Whoa, dude, say hi' to Jebadia, man. It's like, his 15th time in rehab, man.  
  
Nooj: (Talking into camera) Wazzup bro? You know we're here for you, man. Oh, and give my number to some of them hot rehab babes while you're there, man...  
  
Carl: Whoa! Whoa! Mine too, man! Mine too!  
  
Atlas: Listen guys, making him a home video is a nice idea, but you two don't know the first thing about working a video camera.  
  
Carl: Hey, don't be a hater man. Nooj an' I know how to work this thing...  
  
Atlas: It's not even turned on.  
  
Carl: You mean that red light meant it was on?! Dude, I thought that meant it was gonna explode or something, man!  
  
Nooj: Dude, you too?!  
  
Atlas: (Turns on the video camera) I'm just saying that maybe you should send him something easy, like a home made nut roll. Everyone likes a good nut roll.  
  
Nooj: Oh man! Dude! Please tell me you got him saying nut roll?!  
  
Carl: Oh yeah... I got him...  
  
  
  
  
  
Part 2  
  
  
  
  
  
Woman: Oh, Jonathan! Jonathan! Will I ever see you again?  
  
Man: Frankly my dear, I don't give a spam.  
  
Announcer: Spam! Available at all supermarket locations!  
  
Rock, being the mentally unstable, obsessed little hellion that he is, is sitting around in his room, in his underwear, (Code Blue! Code Blue! We've got a fan girl alarm!) eating ice cream straight from the tube, watching poorly made soap oprahs on T.V., and crying his eyes out because Michael has left Evan.  
  
Rock: (Blowing his nose) These commercials are *sniff* getting worse and *sniff* worse!   
  
Suddenly, the phone rings. Now, Rock being the rambunctious little go-getter that he is, decides to have a little fun and say the first thing that pops into his mind.  
  
Rock: (Picks up phone) Hello, Bubu's lobster shack! We stuff em', you eat em'!  
  
Duke Red: Boy! When I get up there I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck SO tight...!!!  
  
Rock: Dad?  
  
Duke Red: Wha...?  
  
Rock: Huh?  
  
Duke Red: Za?  
  
Rock: MmMeeefFTYyHjLOo?  
  
Duke Red: ......whatever, just get down here! You're late for dinner!  
  
Rock: You're calling from the dinner table?  
  
Duke Red: Yes I'm calling from the dinner table!!! (slams phone down which is being held by a cook on a silver plater)  
  
Rock: (Hangs up phone) Let's see...what to wear? What to wear...? (He looks around his little room for some clean cloths, under the bed, behind the bookcase, under the cat, in the sink, but my my! No clean cloths anywhere!) Welp, guess I'll just have to improvise...  
  
  
  
Part 3  
  
  
  
Duke Red is sitting at the freakishly large dinner table with his two guests, President Boon and Super Intendant Notarlin, waiting for Rock to come down for dinner. Enmy has just finished putting away some cloths and sits down with them.  
  
Duke Red: I swear, that boy is going to be the death of me one day...I mean, one second he's straight, the next he's bi, all over the place! Do you know what I caught him doing with Ban's nephew?! No wonder that kid's got asthma! And I tell ya another thing...(Before he can finish, he spots Rock coming down the stairs) Oh dear God...  
  
Rock: Hi everyone! (Is wearing Tima's flower hat, bread boxes on his feet to look like shoes, and his suspenders over the shower curtain folded and tapped in certain areas to look like a summer dress moo moo)  
  
Duke Red: Is that....my shower curtain?!  
  
Rock: (Hides tag that says Bath works shower curtain)....No....*shifty eyes*  
  
Duke Red: That's my shower curtain, isn't it?!  
  
Boon: No, it's a moo moo.  
  
Nortarlin: I say it's a sun dress.  
  
Boon: Moo moo!  
  
Nortarlin: Sun dress!  
  
Boon: Moo moo!  
  
Nortarlin: Oh, I see! You must wear one at home, don't you?!  
  
Boon: Oh go home and sleep with your giant, mutant fish wife!  
  
Nortarlin: I'll kick your ass, bitch!  
  
Boon: Bring it on midget!  
  
Nortarlin: (Jumps across the table and punches Boon right in the face) Take that back!!! (smack)  
  
Boon: (punch) Never teeny!!! (kick)  
  
Enmy: (Starts flicking peas at Nortarlin with her spoon)  
  
Duke Red: Man, you guys are so weird...(Starts pecking at his plate covered in chicken feed)  
  
  
  
Part 4  
  
  
  
Poor, poor Rock. No one seemed to like his homemade outfit. Now, he's laying on his bed, wearing a baggy t-shirt and little flower panties (All right, let's all say it together now...) and painting his nails hot pink.  
  
Rock: *sigh* Why can't father just except me for who I am...? (Starts blowing on his nails) Ah! Oh no! I smudged them!  
  
Duke Red: (Bangs on door) Rock! Are you painting your nails again!?  
  
Rock: *shifty eyes* No.....  
  
Duke Red: That's my boy. (Walks away)  
  
Rock: *sigh* (puts nail polish away)  
  
Suddenly, the phone begins to ring again.  
  
Rock: (groggily picks up the phone) Hello, Bubu's lobster shack. We stuff em' you eat em'.....  
  
Atlas: Hey there, baby.  
  
Rock: *gasp* Atlas! Oh, I knew you'd call!  
  
Atlas: Hey, what kind of Rebellious, punk, misunderstood criminal type boyfriend would I be if I didn't call my hot, little Marduk bitch every now and then?  
  
Rock: Ummmm....not a very good one?  
  
Atlas: Damn straight.  
  
Rock: *long exasperated sigh*  
  
Atlas: ......  
  
Rock: *another long exasperated sigh*  
  
Atlas: Rock, if I ask you what's wrong will you stop doing that?  
  
Rock: Oh, I've had a rough day Atlas...  
  
Atlas: What?! All right! Who'd you screw?!  
  
Rock: Huh...? No one! God, why is it that whenever I have a bad day you assume I've screwed someone?!  
  
Atlas: Oh, I dunno. I guess I'm just paranoid. (Punches an old lady in the face because he thinks she's trying to mug him)  
  
Rock: *sigh*   
  
Atlas: Awwwww.....poor baby....Hey! I know what will cheer you up!  
  
Rock: Really? What?  
  
Atlas: How bout you tell me what you're wearing.  
  
Rock: How will that make me feel better?  
  
Atlas: .....Ummm....well....it will make me feel better, and then I can uh....make you feel better!  
  
Rock: Oh, okay! ^ ^  
  
Atlas: Heh, heh...  
  
Duke Red: (bangs on door) Rock! Are you still up?!  
  
Rock: *shifty eyes* No.....  
  
Duke Red: That's my boy. (walks away)  
  
Rock: ..........  
  
Atlas: .........  
  
Rock: *twiddles thumbs*  
  
Atlas: *yawns*  
  
Rock: ..........  
  
Atlas: .......Is he gone?  
  
Rock: .....I think so....  
  
Atlas: Okay! (Locks door to his little apartment and draws the shades) All right baby, hit me with all you got!  
  
Rock: Ummmm......I've got a better idea....  
  
Atlas: Huh...? Oh, c'mon!  
  
Rock: Why don't you guess what I'm wearing.....  
  
Atlas: Okay, but you better not be wearing much...I don't want this to take forever...  
  
Rock: Oh, you'll find out..... *voice getting surprisingly more kinky by the minute*  
  
Atlas: Ooooo, I will, will I?  
  
Rock: Tee hee! ^_^  
  
Atlas: Mmmmm.....Is it something tight?  
  
Rock: Oh, baby, you wanna find out? (puts phone to his hip and snaps his pantie string)  
  
Atlas: Ah! Oh, God! You little slut!  
  
Rock: Heh, heh.....I'm a slut now huh...?  
  
Atlas: Oh, what a tease! I'm gonna punish you so hard...  
  
Rock: Oh, hard! Harder!!!  
  
Atlas: Mmmmm....Oh yeah, Oh God, YEAH!!!  
  
Rock: Oh, Atlas! It hurts between my legs!  
  
Atlas: Hush baby, let me ease your pain...  
  
Rock: But, but I'm scared! What if it hurts....?  
  
Atlas: Oooooo, Rock! Just take it! Take it ALL!  
  
Rock: Oh, Ahhhhh!!! AHHH!!!!  
  
Atlas: Yeah....YEAH! You like that?! HUH?!  
  
RocK: Oooooooo, ah! Ooooooo, AH!!!  
  
Atlas: Oh, baby! Say my name! SAY MY NAME!!!  
  
Rock: Atlas! ATLAS! ATLAS!!!  
  
Duke Red: (bangs on door) Rock! Are you having phone sex?!  
  
Rock: *shifty eyes* No.....  
  
Duke Red: Don't lie to me, boy!  
  
Rock: All right, yes.  
  
Duke Red: That's my boy. (walks away)  
  
Rock: ........  
  
Atlas: .....Is he gone?  
  
Rock: How should I know?  
  
Atlas: Okay, so where were we? I think I was about to lick syrup off your chest and...  
  
Rock: *yawn* Actually, I'm kind of tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed...  
  
Atlas: What?! But....but you can't leave me hanging like this?!  
  
Rock: Awww....my poor, strong, rugged man...  
  
Atlas: *pout*  
  
Rock: We'll have some fun tomorrow, okay?  
  
Atlas: (disappointed) Okay....  
  
Rock: That's my big boy. I love you, g'night. ^ ^  
  
Atlas: K, night... (hangs up phone)  
  
Suddenly, he hears some movement behind boxes and other cluttered up material in his apartment. Much to his horror, Carl and Nooj come tumbling out from their hiding spot behind the mess.  
  
Atlas: ....What the hell?!  
  
Carl: Oh man, dude! We heard everything man! We've got it all on tape! Play it for him, Nooj man!  
  
Nooj: (Rewinds tape recorder to a certain point and then presses play)  
  
Atlas' voice on recorder: _Oooooo, Rock! Just take it! Take my nut roll!!!  
  
_Carl: (Goes into a laughing/coughing/gagging fit on the floor)  
  
Nooj: Dude, that's the best I've ever done!  
  
Atlas: ...........  
  
  
  
As we conclude our lovely adventure with Rock and Atlas, we can still hear the guns firing, the lamps and T.V smashing, and the horrified screams coming from Atlas' apartment as the lights of Metropolis slowly fade into the night.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Somewhere in the President's mansion...  
  
  
Lamp: (finishes reading this fanfic, gets up, and throws all of his Play Dudes away) Well, won't be needing these anymore!  
  
Author: (monotone) Geez, I'm flattered...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's notes: Hot diggidy damn! 3,128 words! (half of them being the thank yous......) The longest chapter I've ever written, and it's not done yet! To read about some funny stories of Duke Red, Skunk, Mr. Boonie (don't ask) and Lamp, continue reading in part 2. And as always, reviews are an authors high. Keep em' comin' baby!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. What the Girl Scouts want you to believe

  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Almost done.......Ah! There we go! So, what do you guys think?  
  
Skunk: (Looking in mirror) Hmmm.....you really brought out the color of my eyes!  
  
Lamp: Hey! How come Skunk gets a bow in his hair?  
  
Skunk: Because I Have hair.  
  
Lamp: Shut up! You don't know me! (Runs off crying)  
  
Skunk: (Watching Lamp run off) Might I add that unlike Lamp, I don't run like a pansey.  
  
Lamp: (From other room) Shut up!  
  
Skunk: Heh, heh....I love that little, bald man. ^ ^  
  
Author: So Skunk, you ready for your big debut?  
  
Skunk: Oh God, YES!!!  
  
Author: (0_o).........  
  
Skunk: What?  
  
Author: ..........  
  
Skunk: What!?  
  
Author: (To readers) Enjoy another chapter of Call Me Kenichi!  
  
Skunk: Hey c'mon....what'd I say?  
  
Author: ......nothing.  
  
Skunk: But I.......  
  
Author: Yeah, okay....just shut up....  
  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: My....my eyes....I'M BLIND!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Call Me Kenichi**  
  
  
  
  
Have a nice, warm glass of Shut the hell up'  
For Stagsleap  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Part 1  
  
  
  
  
  
It is a normal morning in the President's mansion. Lamp is stacking pens, note pads and pencils to form a barrier around his desk, President Boon is sitting behind his desk, in his underwear (resume burning your eyes with acid now) eating Fruitloops, and Skunk is in the middle of reading a very erotic French novel about two lesbian, naked nine year olds who are married. Yup, just a normal day.  
  
Lamp: (Has just finished stacking his barrier for the third time this morning, and now resumes talking into his watch) Papa falcon, come in papa falcon, this is mama bird reporting from the nest. We have the enemy in full range (aims a water pistol at Skunk) now attempting elimination in 3, 2, 1....(shoots pistol)  
  
Skunk: (Gets hit in the face with a stream of water) G%^&UKHRT!!!  
  
Lamp: Bulls eye!  
  
Skunk: IMA KILL YOU!!! (Throws his book at Lamp's head but soon realizes that was a big mistake considering it was erotic, it was French, and it was about two naked, lesbian nine year olds who are married)  
  
Lamp: (Gets hit in the head with Skunk's book) Ow! Hey, what's this? (Looks at book) Hey, porn!  
  
Skunk: (Grabs book away) Humph.... What I read is none of your business!  
  
Lamp: Of course it's my business. How else can I blackmail you?  
  
Boon: He's got ya there, Skunk.  
  
Skunk: Shut up! The both of you!  
  
Lamp: What-ever! (gives loser sign) Hmmm....(Looks around until he spots a bird perched on an open window) Code Blue! Code Blue! We've got an intruder in the house! (Throws water pistol at bird's face)  
  
Boon: Damn it Lamp! Do you have nothing better to do with your time than torture innocent animals?  
  
Lamp: Well, I tried lighting packets of ketchup on fire, but after a while, I just started getting pissed off at tomatoes...  
  
Skunk: I know! I mean, they act like they run the world or something.  
  
Lamp: I know! I mean, like, what is their problem?  
  
Skunk: Totally...  
  
Boon: .........What? Whatever, just stop being so immature. You're a grown man for God's sake...  
  
Skunk: Sometimes I wonder...  
  
Lamp: (Throws pencil at Skunk)  
  
Skunk: Ahhh!!! That hit my eye you jerk!  
  
Lamp: (Slumps behind desk) Auughh.....there's nothing to do....(starts flicking pen caps off desk)  
  
Skunk: (With pencil still stuck in his eye) Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you f@#k yourself?!  
  
Lamp: Oh, you're just mad cause you've got a pencil stuck in your eye...  
  
Skunk: no, I'm mad because...(thinks about why he's mad)....oh yeah, you're right.....(pulls pencil out of eye)  
  
Lamp: Hey, can I make a fort out of your bed sheets again?!  
  
Boon: Sure, knock yourself out...  
  
Lamp: Yay! ^ ^ (runs out of room)  
  
Boon: No, I mean seriously, knock yourself out...  
  
Skunk: (waves hand in front of face) Um....I think I'm blind in my right eye...  
  
Boon: Oh, suck it in, you baby! You've got two of em'....  
  
Skunk: Yeah, I guess you're right...(Uniform is now soaked with blood from his eye)  
  
  
  
1 hour later  
  
  
  
Lamp: (peeks head out from inside his fort) Good, the coast is clear...(Runs out and into living room where Boon and Skunk are still sitting)  
  
Skunk: (Blood from his eye has now leaked down his leg and turned his sock and pants a bright crimson color) Dear God, help me...  
  
Lamp: What's his problem?  
  
Boon: Ignore him. He just wants attention.  
  
Skunk: (passes out on the couch)   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Part 2  
  
  
  
It is the next morning. Things are the same as usual, save for Skunk has got some sort of medical treatment and was sent home from the hospital early. Lamp, once again, was cleaning up his military base on his desk, while president Boon is still eating Fruiteloops in his underwear.  
  
Lamp: *glare*  
  
Boon: (getting uncomfortable)  
  
Lamp: *still glaring*  
  
Boon: What?!  
  
Lamp: Please, PLEASE! Just put on some pants!  
  
Boon: (with mouth full of cereal) Can't. Burned up in Laughton's lab.  
  
Lamp: You mean to tell me those were your only pair of pants?!  
  
Boon: *shifty eyes*  
  
Lamp: Forget it.  
  
Skunk: (Has half his face bandaged up) Geez Lamp, why don't you just shut up. I mean, God, you sound like such a sissy girl...  
  
Lamp: Look who's talking, mister I can pull a pencil out of my OWN eye!  
  
Skunk: Shut up...(crosses his arms and begins to pout)  
  
Boon: *sigh* Well, at least today can't get any worse...  
  
Duke Red: (starts banging on giant doors) HEEELLLOOOO?  
  
Boon: Aw figs...  
  
Duke Red: (Bashes through doors) OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!!! Skunk! Lamp! I have terrible news that will change your lives forever!!!  
  
Lamp: What? You glued your hand to your face again?  
  
Duke Red: No, I did not! (has hand glued to face) Damn it! (pulls hand off face) Listen! This is important!  
  
Lamp: (in valley girl tone) What-ever!  
  
Skunk: Quite! Thou treacherous fiend! (tries to jump on the table but gets his belt caught on a chair and falls backwards knocking himself out cold on the hard floor)  
  
Duke Red: .......  
  
Boon: ..........  
  
Lamp: ..........  
  
Duke Red: (kicks Skunk in his stomach)  
  
Skunk: GGggadfgf57*^8^hggy$%UWW#77^8......(starts foaming from mouth)  
  
Boon: He'll be fine, just give him 20 minutes...  
  
Duke Red: So I take it this happens often?  
  
Boon: Often?! We had to pad his whole office with damn bubble wrap!  
  
(Span into Skunk's office which is covered from top to bottom in bubble wrap)  
  
  
  
  
10 minutes pass  
  
  
Duke Red: *glare*  
  
Boon: *shift*  
  
Duke Red: *glare*  
  
Boon: What?!  
  
Duke Red: Dude, just put on some pants...  
  
Boon: (0_o)  
  
  
10 more minutes pass  
  
  
Skunk: *shift; stir; wakes up* Huh....wha.....? (looks down at body) Oh my God, I'm a man!  
  
Lamp: Moron. You've always been a man...  
  
Skunk: Of course.....*shifty eyes*  
  
Duke Red: Ah, good. Now that you're awake I can tell you both the important news.  
  
Lamp: Well, it better be good....  
  
Duke Red: One of you is the father of my baby.  
  
Lamp: .....because if not you just... WHAT?!  
  
Skunk: Wow. That is good.  
  
Boon: Sweet!  
  
Lamp: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold up here! You're telling me that I might be the father of your child?!  
  
Duke Red: Yup.  
  
Lamp: .........Well that's a kick in the nuts, aint it?  
  
Duke Red: *shrugs*  
  
Lamp: But wait....men can't have babies, can they?  
  
Skunk: Vicious, barbaric heathen! Does it not say in the Bible that men have the privilege to bare children?  
  
Lamp: It does not!  
  
Skunk: ......Well it should! If Duke Red wants to have a baby, then by God, he can have a baby!  
  
Boon: What are you talking about?! Lamp is right, men can't bare children!  
  
Skunk: Hmph...we'll just see about that! (runs over to Duke Red and puts his head up against the Duke's stomach)  
  
Skunk: Hmmmmm.....weeelllll..... Ah ha! I hear movement!  
  
Duke Red: *farts*  
  
Skunk: Wait....it's gone.  
  
Lamp: There, you see? He's just trying to make fools out of us.  
  
Skunk: How dare you accuse the honest, trustworthy and courageous Duke Red as being a liar?! Why, he's the most noble of all three of us! If anything this brave man would be ashamed to lie! You two are disgusting pigs, especially you! (points to Boon in his underwear eating FruitLoops) This beautiful, honest man would never even dream of telling a lie!!!  
  
Duke Red: Actually, I was lying.  
  
Skunk: Oh! FINE!!! (throws hands up in the air) Make ME look like an idiot!  
  
Lamp: Nothing short of what we see everyday...  
  
Skunk: *glares* You're the DEVIL!!!  
  
Lamp: Meh...(starts counting the profits he's made today buying souls from people)  
  
Skunk: Grrrrrr.....(grabs Duke Red's hand) C'mon Red! We're leaving! (starts dragging Duke Red from the room)  
  
Duke Red: Well...okay...(getting dragged out) See you some other time guys! (grabs a hand full of Boon's FruitLoops)  
  
Boon: Damnit! Those are mine!  
  
Duke Red: (stuffs face with hand full right before Skunk drags him out of the room)  
  
Boon: ........  
  
Lamp: ........  
  
Boon: .......  
  
Lamp: I'm bored.  
  
Boon: Like I care...  
  
Lamp: Fine....(looks around the room until he spots the same bird from the other day perched on the window) Code Blue! Code Blue! The enemy has circled back! I repeat, The enemy has circled back!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
Part 3  
  
  
  
Skunk took Duke Red out to sit in his car, mainly to get away from a military obsessed Lamp and an underwear wielding President Boon. After many attempts at trying to explain why half his face was bandaged up, Skunk finally thought he got the Duke to settle in and relax. They sat in the car in silence for a while, save for the occasional ka kawing.  
  
  
Skunk: (Lights a cigarette; takes a long drag) Ahhhhh.....there's nothing like a relaxing cigarette after a long and stressful day at work...  
  
Duke Red: You were only there for 20 minutes!  
  
Skunk: Oh sure, make ME look like the lazy one!  
  
Duke Red: You ARE the lazy one!  
  
Skunk: I'm not lazy, I'm just.......ahhh....ummmm...ah screw it....(takes drag of his cigarette)  
  
Duke Red: You see?! You're so lazy you can't even finish your own sentence!  
  
Skunk: ........zzzzz......  
  
Duke Red: (0_o)  
  
Skunk:.........zzzz.....(gets kicked in the shin by Duke Red) Ow! Hey, what'd you do that for?!  
  
Duke Red: *sigh* (getting bored) So, what do you want to do?  
  
Skunk: (kinky smile) I have an idea that will pass the time....*wink, wink*  
  
Duke Red: We're not doing that.....  
  
Skunk: Fine, be that way...(ponders) Hey, what about...  
  
Duke Red: Or that...  
  
Skunk: Damnit! You're no fun...(thinks some more) You could always invite me to your place...  
  
Duke Red: Inviting yourself somewhere, are you? You're very rude Skunk...  
  
Skunk: Hey, I'm not rude! (burps, scratches butt, takes off pants) Ahhh.....free and easy.....  
  
Duke Red: Put those back on!  
  
Skunk: Humph...(puts pants back on) So, if that won't work, how bout you come over to my place?  
  
Duke Red:........  
  
Skunk:...........  
  
Duke Red:..........  
  
Skunk: *grin*  
  
Duke Red: (kicks him)  
  
Skunk: Ow! What the hell...?!  
  
Duke Red: Stop doing that!  
  
Skunk: Doing what?!  
  
Duke Red: Everything! Everything you do is unnaturally creepy and wrong!  
  
Skunk: *stare*  
  
Duke Red: See?! Even now you're thinking about dropping your pen by your feet, and while I'm picking it up you can take a good, long look at my ass!  
  
Skunk: Oh, I am not.....(drops pen)  
  
Duke Red:..........  
  
Skunk:..........arn't you gonna get that for me?  
  
Duke Red: (bangs head against car horn which turns out to be a novelty bought horn that plays the Cu ka racha.)  
  
Skunk: Heh, heh....I love that song....  
  
Duke Red: Whatever, let's just get back to your place...  
  
Skunk: (searches in pockets) Let me just find my keys...  
  
Girl Scout: (comes up to Skunk's car window) Excuse me sir, would you like to buy some girl scout...  
  
Skunk: Oh, Dear God! (sprays little girl in the face with pepper spray)  
  
Girl Scout: (starts crying) You horrible, horrible man! (runs off screaming)  
  
Skunk: Whew! That was a close one!  
  
Duke Red: Close one?! That was just a little girl scout!  
  
Skunk: She was trying to mug me!  
  
Duke Red: She was trying to sell you cookies!  
  
Skunk: Or so they say! If you take any advice in life Duke Red, take this: Never, EVER get involved in that little hellion cult! Cause once you buy a box of Thin Mints.....Bam! It's all over! They get your number, your address, and every year you get 50 or 60 little Satan spawns calling you...(mocking) Would you like to buy some cookies? Would you like to buy some cookies? No! I don't want to buy anymore damn cookies! They SUCK anyway! I've had it! I have too many bad memories dealing with the deadly Girl Scout.....  
  
Flashback  
  
Skunk: (steals a box of Thin Mints from the Girl Scouts little stand out side the supper market) Ah ha! Try to get me to join your cult will you?!  
  
Girl Scouts: After him! He has no respect and admiration for the Girl Scouts! (All Girl Scouts morph and mold together to form one, giant mass of disgusting human flesh that begins to chase Skunk around the city)  
  
End Flashback  
  
Skunk:......and THAT is how Vietnam began!  
  
Duke Red: (mouth gaped open in awe and confusion)  
  
Skunk: Damn straight! (starts muttering something about The cult of Satan)  
  
Duke Red: Hmph....you're just paranoid...  
  
Skunk: I am not! (Same old lady who Atlas beat up taps on Skunks window)  
  
Old lady: Excuse me sonny boy, but do you happen to have the ti...  
  
Skunk: BACK TO HELL!!! (sprays old lady with pepper spray)  
  
Old lady: My word! What a week! (passes out)  
  
Duke Red: (shakes head in disgust) Spraying a little girl and an old lady with pepper spray....you really do have no shame left...  
  
Skunk: (picks up a cigarette that is still burning from the ashtray) Nah...I haven't lost my shame just yet...(brings the cigarette up to his mouth but drops it still burning onto his crotch) Ah, my balls!!!(runs out of car screaming and starts packing snow onto his.....ummmmm...naughty parts while on lookers watch on in embarrassment)  
  
5 minutes latter  
  
Skunk: (gets back into car) Okay, NOW I've lost my shame... (finally finds keys and starts up the car)  
  
Duke Red: Ummmm.....maybe I should drive...  
  
Skunk: What? You don't think I can handle it?  
  
Duke Red: Well, you did just burn your crotch with a cigarette...  
  
Skunk: Relax, I can handle it...(starts driving car but immediately rams it into a tree)  
  
Duke Red:...........  
  
Skunk:............  
  
Duke Red:............  
  
Skunk: You wanna walk?  
  
Duke Red:..........  
  
  
  
  
Part 4  
  
Skunk's House  
  
  
Skunk and Duke Red have just finished eating dinner....which Duke Red cooked because Skunk nearly burnt the house down putting cucumbers in the salad. Hmmmmm....I wonder what they're having for dessert...?  
  
  
Skunk: Wow! This is the best dessert I've ever tasted! Ummmm....what did you say it was?  
  
Duke Red: It's just yogurt Skunk...  
  
Skunk: Ah yes, yogurt. I'm not much for ethnic food, but this stuff is pretty good.  
  
Duke Red: Ethnic..?  
  
  
  
Go Fish  
  
  
  
Duke Red: (ponders) Got any threes...?  
  
Skunk: Damnit! Ummm....I mean....nooo.....  
  
Duke Red: I know you have some...  
  
Skunk: Fine, take them...(throws his cards at Duke Red which all happen to be threes)  
  
  
  
  
What's the deal with airline peanuts...?  
  
  
Skunk: (sitting on the couch with Duke Red, watching T.V)  
  
Duke Red: *shifts*  
  
Skunk: (looks at him)  
  
Duke Red: (looks at Skunk)  
  
Skunk: (quickly looks back at the T.V)  
  
Duke Red: (starts watching T.V again)  
  
Skunk:..........  
  
Duke Red:.........  
  
Skunk: (slowly looks back at Duke Red)  
  
Duke Red: (looks at Skunk)  
  
Skunk: (turns away for a second but quickly looks back)  
  
Duke Red: (still staring)  
  
Skunk: *stare*  
  
Duke Red: *stare*  
  
Skunk: *stare*  
  
Duke Red: *stare*  
  
Skunk: *stare*  
  
Duke Red: _What the hell is he doing?! Why does he keep staring at me like that? And why am I letting him?(_silence_)Wow.....I never realized how blue his eyes were.....they're like...the color of neon blue Gatorade.................he sure is ugly though. Hmmm......REALLY ugly. Ugh....who would ever find him attractive with his crooked smile, his strikingly intense eyes, his cute, button nose.......why, could I have a crush on this creepy and perverted man? Could I have a crush on the Minister of State?! Oh, I wonder what he's thinking about...  
  
_Skunk:_ Oh God, he's trying to hypnotize me!  
  
_Duke Red: *stare*  
  
Skunk: *stare*  
  
Duke Red: *stare*  
  
Skunk: (kisses him)  
  
Duke Red:_..................Holy crap, is he kissing me?! He is! My first kiss from another man! I'm getting kissed by another man!!! Let's see....do I like it, or do I find it unnaturally wrong.......think.......think........I do! I like it!  
  
_Skunk: _Heh, heh.....lets see him try to hypnotize me now! Hmmmm.......I don't think his hand in my pants is necessary for the hypno proceder........Ohhhhh?(_finally gets it)_Ooooooohhhhhhhh........_(wraps his arms around Duke Red and slowly lowers him onto the couch)  
  
Duke Red: (starts unbuttoning Skunk's jacket and...)  
  
Phone:_ Bring! Bring!_  
  
Skunk:........  
  
Duke Red:.........  
  
Skunk: Ummm.....be right back......(goes over to the phone and picks it up) Hello?........Uh huh......yeah.........no, you can talk to him.  
  
Duke Red: (raises eyebrow)  
  
Skunk: Hang on......(hands the phone to Duke Red)  
  
Duke Red: Hello?  
  
Rock: Hi dad. The ice machine is broken again, can you come home and fix it?  
  
Duke Red: Boy! When I get over there I'm gonna kick your ass SO HARD....!!!!  
  
Rock: Okay, okay.....sorry.....(hangs up) (Turns around to face his bed)  
  
Kenichi: (gagged and in his undies tied up on Rock's bed) *muffled scream*  
  
Rock: Now....where were we.....  
  
Back at Skunk's house  
  
Duke Red: (hangs up phone) Hey, he picked a really good time to call. I mean, we were almost going to have sex!  
  
Skunk: I know! Can you believe it?!  
  
Duke Red+Skunk: (both give out a stiff laugh)  
  
Duke Red:..........  
  
Skunk:.........  
  
Duke Red:...........  
  
Skunk: *blush* But....ummmmm....would you ever consider it?  
  
Duke Red: *blush* Well, maybe sometime in the near future....  
  
Skunk: So, how is this future?  
  
Duke Red: You're pushing your luck.  
  
Skunk: Shutting up.  
  
  
  
  
  
After Duke Red leaves, Skunk is laying on his bed just gazing at the ceiling.  
  
Skunk's cat Mr. Mookie: Meow?  
  
Skunk: Oh, Mookie. If only you knew the loneliness I'm feeling right now...(Gone with the Wind music starts playing from some random vent in the wall)  
  
Mr. Mookie: (gets bored and walks away)  
  
Skunk: (grabs cat) And where do you think you're going Mr.? You'll listen when I complain and whine!  
  
Lamp: (bangs on Skunk's door) Hey man! You in there? you won't believe what just happened!  
  
Skunk: You ran over a man and had to steal his identity so no one would know he's dead.  
  
Lamp: Nooo.....well that, AND, something else that's really cool!  
  
Skunk: Forget it Lamp. Nothing can bring me out of the somber state I'm in...  
  
Lamp: Boon and I found a dead possum in the road and we're gonna hit it with rocks!  
  
Skunk: Sweet! I'm in! (grabs jacket and runs out of the house)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: Once again, my apologies for the horrible mental images you must have experienced...  
  
Boon: And what images may these be...?  
  
Author: OH GOD! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! (calms down) And as a special thank you to all of my loyal readers, please help your self to this table of food and hors d'ouvres I stole from Duke Red's house. (points to table of food)  
  
Duke Red: Who said you could take that?!  
  
Author: *shifty eyes* (jumps out window)  
  
Duke Red: Oh, that's it...Rock! Go after her!  
  
Rock: (sitting on the floor, in his undies(with his sunglasses still on, mind you) playing with his hotwheels) Yep....just give me a sec....  
  
Author: (still falling) And remember, keep them reviews comin' baby!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Tima speaks French and Pero explodes

  
  
Author's Notes: (eating chocolate pocky) Well, considering I've kept people waiting way too long, this chapter will be fairly longer to make up for it.  
  
Duke Red: Aren't you allergic to chocolate?  
  
Author: ...........yeeeeesss......  
  
Duke Red: ................  
  
Author: ..................  
  
Duke Red: I'll call the hospital.  
  
Author: Thanks.  
  
Disclaimer: Weeeeeel, I was gonna say I owned Skunk, but all the producers would give me were his pants....(holds up Skunk's pants)  
  
Skunk: (walks in, grabs pants, walks out)  
  
Author: He'll be back........he aaaaalways comes back.......(shakes fist)  
  
**Call Me Kenichi**  
  
Scene 7  
  
SB: So, have you seen this man or not?  
  
Random dude: Oh, God! He's naked! (burns eyes)  
  
SB: (looks at picture) Ooops, wrong one...  
  
Kenichi: Y'know, you should really stop carrying around naked pictures of yourself, uncle...  
  
SB: And you know what you should stop doing? You should stop pointing out how stupid everyone is. It's like your whole life is focused around morals and lessons and pansey ass crap like that. God, it's like we're living in...in....um, Ken? Where was Jesus born?  
  
Kenichi: Jeeeeee-ssuuuus?  
  
SB: You know, he had like....a toga, beard, long hair....?  
  
Kenichi: ......ummmm.........Jesus land?  
  
SB: .....yeah, that sounds about right.....It's like when you're around we're living in Jesus land!  
  
Pero: Yo' yo' yo' my funky home slice a' broverz, ya'll be trippin' up in here, ya'll be dissin' my man Ima mess up alla ya'll, I swear it, dawgz!  
  
SB: ...............  
  
Kenichi: ..............  
  
Pero: Hey! Ya'll here me! Ya'll know wa Ima sayin'?  
  
Kenichi: Did he just say he's a Super Saiyen?  
  
Pero: pfffft.......ya'll be trippin'.......  
  
Kenichi: I'm tripping?  
  
SB: He means for you to tie your shoes! (rolls eyes) Sometimes, you're just not down with it Kenichi...  
  
Kenichi: Down with what?!  
  
Scene 8  
  
Doctor Laughton's lab is burning down and his ass is slowly disintegrating. His ass being the source of his life, he will not be able to go on without it. Damn, now that's drama.  
  
Dr. Laughton: (coughs up blood) Ack! My ass!!!  
  
Tima: (opens her eyes, looks around) Je suis qui?  
  
Author: It begins.......bum bum BUM!  
  
Scene 9  
  
SB: ....and this is Kenichi when he was 3, and this is Kenichi when he...oh, look! He looked so much like a girl that his mother made him wear dresses to school....whoa, oh Kenichi I thought you were a girl for a minute...  
  
Kenichi: Don't you have any pictures of the criminal in there?  
  
SB: What criminal?  
  
Pero: Yo, yo, yo, suckaz! Wes gots to move, brover, we all gonna be toast! Desa burnin' down a whacked-out motha-#$% lab n' shit!  
  
Kenichi: ............I swear to God, that's not english.  
  
Suddenly, Kenichi and his uncle hear screams and cries of Fire! Fire! Run for it! from scattering Zone 1 inhabitants.   
  
SB: Wait a minute...  
  
Kenichi: Yes?  
  
SB: People are running around screaming , right?  
  
Kenichi: yeees.....  
  
SB: So that must mean....  
  
Kenichi: Yeeeeeesss.......  
  
SB: That they're......  
  
Kenichi: YEEEEEEESSS.......!!!!!!  
  
SB: ..................Oh wait, gimme a minute I think I got this.......  
  
Kenichi grabs his uncle's hand and they run in the direction of the burning lab, all the while Pero running along beside them yelling out stuff about Jesus and foos and crack hoes and motha-#$% and a bunch of other crap no one can understand.  
  
Scene 10  
  
Carl: What the hell is that?!  
  
Atlas: He uummmm....just kind of attaches himself at times.....  
  
Rock: (still humping Atlas' leg)  
  
Kenichi, Shunsaku Ban, and The Bitch (you bloody know who I'm talking about) enter the scene. Robots are molding together to form machines that shoot out water from two canons and they are using this to put out the fire.  
  
Carl: (yelling to crowd) We can't let the Marduks do this to us anymore! Let's get weapons, and fight fire with fire!  
  
Crowd: YEAH!!!!!  
  
Atlas: Um, kid? This might be a good time for you to leave...  
  
Rock: Hang on.... almost done......  
  
Atlas: .........  
  
Pero gets in the middle of the mobbing crowd and suggests they solve this dilemma in the mature, adult way......have a shoot out behind Jerry's liquor at 2 AM. Of course, Kenichi butts in by saying that wouldn't be a good idea and suggests they talk out their differences. Pffft....who does that anymore?!  
  
Carl: We don't need a robot to butt into our business here! (knocks Pero's gangsta' hat right off his gangsta' head)  
  
Pero: (pissed off) Ooooooohhh.....you #$%!!! Ya'll beatin' on #$% kick your #$%FTJTY&IJ&NJYKYKRTUJRUUJFGFHFJTYIu6756jU%I%U4u5!!!!!!(starts jumping up and down) Bring it. C'mon! BRING IT!!!  
  
Carl: (picks up a rock and chucks it at Pero's head)  
  
Pero: (head comes flying off)  
  
Random little girl in Top Gate: Mommy, I love you so much! (licking ice cream)  
  
Random little girl in Top Gate's mommy: I love you too, darling!  
  
Pero's head comes falling out of the sky and lands in the little girl's ice cream.  
  
Little girl: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
In Ziggurat  
  
Duke Red: (taking bubble bath, playing with rubber ducky) What the hell was that?!  
  
President's mansion  
  
Boon: (tossing Skunk's prissy minister hat back and forth from him to Lamp while Skunk runs around in the middle trying to get it back) What was that?  
  
Skunk: Gimme my hat!!!   
  
Back at burning lab  
  
Kenichi: Hey, did you just hear something?  
  
SB: Ya know, ever since you started smoking you've been seeing and hearing a lot of weird things lately.  
  
Kenichi: Oh, I have not... (looks in crowd and spots a bondage Astro Boy with knee high leather boots and a whip)  
  
Astro Boy: (snaps whip) c'mere bitch...  
  
Kenichi: (0o)  
  
Atlas: (trying to shake Rock off his leg) Get off! Get off I say!  
  
Rock: (whining) But AT-LAAAAAAS!!!  
  
Kenichi: Wait a minute...I know that voice! (looks at Rock)  
  
Rock: (looks at Kenichi)  
  
Rock and Kenichi: (gasp) IT'S YOU!  
  
SB: Oh great...the little weirdos know each other...  
  
Rock: Know each other?! Kenichi broke my heart! (starts sobbing)  
  
Carl: Wow...sounds like a real love story. Hey kid, why don't you tell us what happened?  
  
Rock: Oh no, I couldn't possibly...but, I will!   
  
Everyone: (sweat drop)  
  
Rock: It all began one hot, summer day...  
  
Wavy flashback thingy  
  
End wavy flashback thingy  
  
Rock: Ahhhhh.... what a true tale about romance....  
  
Kenichi: Wait a minute, what just happened?  
  
SB: Nothing happened, dammit! Where's the flashback?!  
  
Rock: Oh, that's right! Here, I think I've got it now...  
  
Wavy flashback thingy  
  
Rock: (wearing a french maid's outfit) Kenichi! Oh, Kenichi! I'm going to have your child!  
  
End wavy flashback thingy  
  
Kenichi: What the hell was that?  
  
SB: Kenichi! How could you leave your pregnant wife?!  
  
Kenichi: He was not my wife and he was not pregnant!  
  
Rock: (shifty eyes)  
  
Kenichi: Fine, then if you were pregnant, where's the baby?  
  
Rock: Ummmm......(looks into crowd).....uuhhhh.....(points to Atlas)  
  
Atlas: (eating a twinkie) Wha...?  
  
Kenichi: That's our kid?  
  
Rock: (nod)  
  
Kenichi: He's like, five years older than us!!!  
  
Rock: Uuuummm....he was a late baby.....  
  
Kenichi: Alright, you know what, screw you guys! I'm going in to get that criminal by myself!  
  
SB: Good luck, kid!  
  
Kenichi: SHUT UP! You're coming with me!  
  
SB: Okay, okay...God, why are you acting so OOC?  
  
Kenichi: (snarls, bites, spits out acid saliva)  
  
SB: Sorry I asked.....  
  
Scene 10  
  
Kenichi and Shunsaku Ban look at the burning lab.  
  
SB: Okay, here's the plan. I'll wait here, you run into that burning lab and kill yourself.  
  
Kenichi: You're supposed to be my guardian!  
  
SB: I'm your what now?  
  
Kenichi: Listen, I'll go this way, you go that way.  
  
SB: Which way?  
  
Kenichi: TT()  
  
Scene 11  
  
After a long and strenuous argument, Kenichi came to the conclusion that it would be much easier if his uncle did not come with him. While running through the lab, Kenichi spots a girl stumble and then fall.  
  
Kenichi: Hey, she's naked....and...glowing blue.....and NAKED! (wraps his jacket around Tima's glowing blue naked body and attempts to help her get out of there. Alas, considering Kenichi's arms and legs are so unbelievably fat, the ground collapses under their weight and the young boy and girl fall all the way down into Zone 3)  
  
Kenichi: Curse my unbelievably fat arms and legs!!!  
  
Scene 12  
  
Duke Red: (standing in front of a giant window inside the Ziggurat looking out to his city) What?! Laughton's lab burned down?! (still holding rubber ducky)  
  
Rock: Well.....(getting distracted)...ummm....he apparently was doing unauthorized experiments....and he...uummmm.....Hey! Can I play with the ducky?!  
  
Duke Red: (protects ducky with his arm) No, he's mine.  
  
Rock: Oh poo. Anyway, he was a danger to the state, and now that danger has been...oh c'mon! Just let me hold the damn thing!  
  
Duke Red: NOOO! (hides ducky behind back) He...doesn't work well with others...  
  
Rock: ppffft....whatever girlfriend....(gives the hand)  
  
Duke Red: Don't you call me girlfriend, girlfriend! (snaps fingers)  
  
Rock: Mom?  
  
Duke Red: Wha...?  
  
Rock: Can I call you mom?  
  
Duke Red: No!  
  
Rock: Betty?  
  
Duke Red: NO!  
  
Rock: Betty?  
  
Duke Red: I just said no to that!!!  
  
Rock: Okay, okay, then how bout Betty?  
  
Duke Red: DAMMIT BOY...!!!  
  
Rock: Bob?  
  
Duke Red: ........  
  
Rock: Can I call you Bob?  
  
Duke Red: .........Ooookaaayyyy....  
  
Rock: Yay! (runs off skipping) tra la la...  
  
2 hours later  
  
Duke Red finds a note tapped to the door of his office which reads Duke Bob's office.  
  
Duke Bob: DAMMIT ROCK!!!  
  
Author's Notes: (in hospital bed) No, I'm not really allergic to chocolate, I just thought this would be a good way to get out of school for a few hours.  
  
Kenichi: You said it! (in hospital bed next to author) I pity the poor fools who are doing work right now!  
  
Author: Yes, that's right! So, why are you here?  
  
Kenichi: I purposely broke both of my arms, drank a few bottles of bathroom chemicals and then gave myself a concussion by running into my bedroom door 17 and a half times.  
  
Author: (0o)  
  
Kenichi: Hey, but no school for a week, right?  
  
Author: .............  
  
Kenichi: (to nurse) Is she all right?  
  
Nurse: Yes, she just went into cardiac arrest is all. Don't worry, her heart will start beating again soon.  
  
Author: .........................  
  
Translation: Send me more reviews!!! 


	10. ManPig's California Dream Vacation

1

Author's Notes: Okay, ummm... Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT fall off the face of the earth... well I did, but it was only for like... a day. Actually, it's a pretty interesting story... I was sitting in the park with Jerry, and you know whenever you're with Jerry he has to bring that fucking bear of his, William or whatever, and that bear's always running around and the police come and then it's this huge deal...

But seriously, I know it's been over two years... that's not even exaggerating. The last time I updated was in 2004. Isn't that scary? Really, I don't have a joke. It's horrifying.

_This chapter is dedicated to one of the most amazing women in the world. I've had friends who were Metropolis fans, but they come and they go. Lynny, you'll last forever. Thanks for your constant support and lovely reviews. This one's all yours._

CALL ME KENICHI: ch 10

by Rocku

Now it's time for another exciting episode of... "KLUNKY AND THE DUKE!"

(Various scenes of Dr. Klunky and Duke Red are shown)

Duke Red: (Runs through a valley, picks up a flower, sniffs it)

Klunky: (Throws a baseball at Duke Red, Duke Red hits it through a window, Klunky shakes his fist)

Duke Red: (Picks up puppy, gives thumbs up to the camera)

Klunky: (Dances with Duke Red around a fire wearing tribal make-up and sacrificing a goat.)

What are they up to today?

We open to a casually designed office. Dr. Klunky is sitting behind his desk, and Duke Red is lying in the psychiatric chair. Klunky appears to be taking notes on a pad of paper, but in actuality he's drawing a stick figure rendition of Duke Red with various stink lines emitting from his body.

Klunky: Heh, heh... Duke Red smells like poo...

Duke Red: What was that?

Klunky: Nothing. (Throws pad out window) So, Red... how is Rock doing?

Duke Red: What, you mean that exhausting monkey faggot bull-shit sonuvabitch who keeps stealing my shower curtains and never giving them back?

Klunky: Um... yes, the very same...

Duke Red: He's fine.

Klunky: Have your feelings toward him changed any?

Duke Red: Hate him. Want him dead.

Klunky: Oh, c'mon now! You say that every week. You must have some love for the boy...

Duke Red: Hate him. Want him dead.

Klunky: He's your son! Don't you think you're being a little...

Duke Red: That goddamn sonuvapunk stupid...ass... grrrrrr! Just wanna slam his hand in a car door...

Klunky: Okay, calm down...

Duke Red: Sell his organs on Ebay...

Klunky: Duke Red, we're going to try an exercise...

Duke Red: Okie Dokie.

Klunky: I want you to tell me what Rock does to make you feel this way.

Duke Red: Well for starters he's a whore...

Klunky: Uh huh... (taking notes)

Duke Red: Like this one time I came home from work...

(Flashback of Duke Red walking through the front door of his house with his briefcase in hand)

Duke Red: (singing) "When the working day is done, girls just wanna have fun! That's all they really..." (He hears a noise from behind a closed door)

Voice: Oh Rock! You're so good!

Rock: Hey! Did I tell you to take that bag off your head? Put it back on!

(End flashback)

Klunky: Well that's... I mean... he's a grown man now! I think...

Duke Red: Not to mention that whatever I say to him, he thinks it's a come-on...

(Flashback)

Duke Red: Rock, we need to talk.

Rock: Oh, okay. (Takes off pants)

Duke Red: Goddamn-it!

(End Flashback)

Klunky: (Has stopped writing) Well that's... that's a little strange, yes...

Duke Red: Oh! And this one time...

(Flashback to Rock and Duke Red in a deli eating lunch)

Duke Red: (coughs)

Rock: You shut your fucking mouth!

Duke Red: (chokes)

Rock: Yeah, that's what I thought!

Duke Red: I don'twait... what!

Rock: Oh, so you're saying I'm stupid now!

Duke Red: I'm sorry I just... don't understand where this is coming from...

Rock: That's it...! (Flips over table) I'm gonna kick your ass!

Duke Red: (Runs)

(End Flashback)

Duke Red: Long story short I should have enjoyed my right testicle while I still had the chance.

Klunky: (Mouth gapped open in horror undefinable fear)

Duke Red: ...

Klunky: ...

Duke Red: ...

Klunky: Ahem... this might not be the best time to do this, but I have a surprise guest for you...

Duke Red: Colonel Sanders!

Klunky: No.

Duke Red: Are you sure?

Klunky: Yes.

Duke Red: It's never Colonel Sanders...

Klunky: Duke Red, I've brought Rock, your son.

(Rock apprehensively walks out from behind a curtain)

Klunky: I think you need to talk to each other and settle your differences.

Rock: I don't think this is a good idea... I mean... he's very unstable!

Klunky: Rock, you're father would never purposely hurt you...

Duke Red: (looks at Rock, takes out knife and starts sharpening it while singing) _Gonna gut me a Rock tonight, woo hoo hoo! Gonna gut me a Rock tonigh..."_

Klunky: See? He's happy!

Rock: But hebut he's singing about killing me!

Duke Red: _"Gonna stab 'im, gonna gut 'im, gonna pee all over his faaaaaace..."_

Klunky: I don't see what the big deal is. That's all that plays on the radio any more...

Duke Red: Yeah Rock, I just wanna make amends. Look, I got you some ice cream... (Hands Rock a bowl of ice cream filled with syringes and various pills)

Rock: (Starts crying)

Duke Red: You better eat it.

Klunky: Well, you two look like you're good to go from here! Now I'll just turn my chair around and expect everything to go accordingly and that nothing strange will take place that's out of the norm...

Duke Red: C'mon Rock, we need to go home and chain you up in the basement to prevent you from getting food and water or a comfortable place to sleep... I mean... I mean feed our fish. Yes. Feed Goldy some fish-food. I have no idea where that other stuff came from...

Rock: We don'twe don't h-have a fish...

Duke Red: We don't have any fish-food either...

(Lighting crashes. Curtain closes on scene)

_mrskunkkusai: so now I'm 70 blind and talking about Tezuka characters having sex with each other..._

_mrskunkkusai: oh happy day_

_christinemarrison: Yeah, that sounds about right for a Friday night..._

Kenichi wakes up in the middle of an alley underground, drenched, with a giant, walking trash-can standing over him.

Kenichi: Oh God... It's all happening again! (Feels pants) I really hope this is just water. I can't afford another accident...

Tima: (Walks over, still naked) Quell age etes vous?

Kenichi: Whatever... I don't speak Chinese. Listen, you can't walk around naked... ummm... (looks around) Here. (Pulls shower curtain out of dumpster, gives it to her)

Tima: ...

Kenichi: ...

Tima: ...

Kenichi: ...

Tima: (Puts it on her head)

Kenichi: Oh, what the fu...

Rock is walking around all the rubble of the recently burned down lab looking for something.

Rock: Where did I put my shoes...? (cell phone rings, Rock picks up) Mike's House of Sandels! Put your feet in our partially processed leather and plastic...

Duke Red: Dammit boy!

Rock: Oh, it's just you. Never-mind then.

Duke Red: 'Just me!' Boy, I'll have you know that I'm the most important person in this city, and...!

Rock: Yeah, listen... I'm kinda busy right now...

Duke Red: Wait, don't hang up...

Rock: What?

Duke Red: Rock?

Rock: Yeah?

Duke Red: Do you know where the clicker is?

Rock: Did you check your pocket?

Duke Red: (shuffling noises are heard) Okay, it was there...

SB and Pero where watching Rock from a-far.

SB: Whose that up there?

Pero: That's Rock: He's the leader of the Marduks. Don't let his age fool you, he gets around...

SB: Hmmmm... it's all starting to make sense...

Pero: And by "gets around" I mean he has sex a lot...

SB: He might even know where Kenichi is...

Pero: And by "has sex a lot" I mean he's really good at making cookies...

SB: I bet he... "making cookies," what, is that like, slang for sex?

Pero: No, it means he's good at making cookies. Where the hell did you get sex from?

Not far away, HamEgg is watching Rock inspect the remains of the lab, and talking to his friends.

HamEgg: So then I says to Jason I says... "Bitch! You better give me my money!" And he's all "No, please don't stab me, I have a wife and kids yadda yadda yadda..." Long story short, don't drink the water anymore. Cause... ya know... I mean I had to drop the body somewhere...

Man #1: You showed him, HamEgg...

Man #2: Yeah, you showed him...

Rock: You! Man-Pig!

HamEgg: Okay, I've asked you nicely to stop calling me that...

Rock: Well how else will you know when I'm talking to you?

HamEgg: Well, my name will be a big give-away...

Rock: There's no time! Come, Man-Pig! Carry me on your back and take me to Zone 2!

HamEgg: Okay, first of all, shut up. Secondly, there's no way I'm carrying you on my... AUUUGH!

Rock: (jumps on) Giddy Mough! Giddy Mough!

HamEgg: This is bullshit...

Rock: OOOO! Where does this sewer go?

HamEgg: Well, this particular one carries the tears and broken spirits of all the children at Disney Land's California Dream Vacation:

Rock: Tragic.

HamEgg: Mm.

Kenichi and Tima sit across from each other underground in Zone 2.

Kenichi: Who are you?

Tima: Who are you?

Kenichi: What, you wanna go! (starts throwing down, lifts up fists) I call these guys my army buddies, this one's Mr. Johnson, and the one's kick-puppy McGregor, the one who terminates. You keep talking back to me like that I might sick 'em on you... you know, on your face...

Tima: Je suis la biblioteque regarde la frou ma tooki wmba lamba Chuck Norris (stars eating shower curtain)

Kenichi: Seriously, you don't know where that's been... (tag reads "Duke Red's shower curtain")... yeah, take that outta your mouth...

Tima: Je voudrais have sex with you...

Kenichi: It's just in one ear and out the other with you, isn't it?


End file.
